New Blog

I have finally diverged from Blogging. If you are interested in following me to my new home write me a message to let me know. FredsSocialCrap@gmail.com

Rested

After a good nights rest, I feel I should add to my last post.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing. I think, if I can keep my hormones in check, I can take this nice and slow. I like that idea. Just adding another part to my life. Already I feel less... scared? I noticed while I was driving around, or at work, etc... I just feel less urgent about things. Everything still matters just as much, but there's not so much stress to it.

It's weird. She's got my mind and body, but not my heart...( yet anyway) and I'm still experiencing the side effects that I usually only get with that sort of attachment. It's like... Well I don't really know how to explain it. I just know that I like where this is going.

I wonder if this is what it's like to take anxiety medication. ;)


I admit, there is a down side that I'd never expected. I've spent so much of my life trying to never be single. I got comfortable being single. I got comfortable looking around a room wondering who was single and how I'd hit on them. I got comfortable considering the different types of women and figuring out what interested me and what didn't. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, after 3 years of being single, I decided I was ready to date again. I was going to go out and use what I'd learned. I was going to find out if all my work paid off. I've spent so much time grooming myself to be a better person. To be easier to be around, generally to be less of a broken unit. Now... to so suddenly be no longer single... I got all excited.... i suppose I was looking forward to the chase more than I realized. *le sigh* Isn't that just how it works though? The things you need come when your ready for them, and not always when you want them. I guess I always have my memories of chasing after other girls.

Come to think of it... am I really complaining that I didn't have to go through all that?
I must have gone daft to be lamenting that.

Need to write

I need to write. Here I am exhausted, but I can't sleep. It's been almost 48hrs since I had a full days sleep yet here I am.

I want to express how I've been feeling the last few days, but I can't really say.

Looking back at my last few entries I think I've done something contrary to my original plan. It would seem that the world of ideas and ideals gets pushed aside by physical realities and objects. Thinking all I need is a woman to be there for just emotional support, and having a live woman in your arms are two very different things. Shows how long I've been cooped up here. I seem to have forgotten how some of this works. Well, I think all is going well so far. I've not made any of my usual mistakes. Though I have already gone further than I planed. C'est la vie. It is all well and good to tell myself I won't kiss her, but when her lips are right there... I am flesh and therefor weak.

I have some reservations about my own will power. I told myself I wouldn't sleep with someone again until I had an established relationship etc... I know I've managed to hold up against far more forceful women. But when a woman who has touched your mind first, is there... touching... moving...

It is one thing to arouse with the physical. But to arouse the mind and then tell the body it can't have any is torture. Although, I do have a motivation I have not had before. This time I'm thinking clearly. I know that sex will change that if I move too fast. I like this clear thought thing. I don't want to loose the simple feelings, the calm controlable emotions. Sex is like a love machine. I know that having sex can make you want to sa y things you woudn't usualy say. Telling someone you love them, though without the sex you would simply be interested. Hormones are crazy things... I really want to be sure of how I feel, I want to have fallen in love first this time. Too many times I've lusted in to love. This time if anything happens, love needs to come first. I don't really think I'm all that attached to this particular relationship. But I am 100% attached to doing things right. This relationship or another, Love needs to be followed by lust, not the other way around. It's a difficult road to walk this one. Trying to prepare for mistakes you've made in the past, when over thinking things is one of the mistakes.

Thought vomit ends here. I am too tired to be thinking, besides why am I thinking about tomorrow when today still needs dealing with. I suppose I'll just have to allow tomorrow to tend to it's self and live for today.

Maybe one day I will get to meet Bhuddha. Then I can kick him in the shins.

Money

My mom has offered me a free room. I wasn't going to consider it... but now I can't help but think how much more I could attend school if I didn't have to work as much. The thought depresses me, and i don't know why. It's somehow so very demoralizing to think of living there. I get this picture of a sky with gray clouds where it's always quiet and drizzly. *shivers* I can't discount it as an option but...

well, best get off to my meeting.

Blue Sky Zetsubou

On analysis of what I want and why.

There seem to be two things I value in romance. Physical intimacy, and emotional support. I specifically desire the emotional support of someone I am physically intimate with. By emotional support I mean, someone who will allow me to feel vindicated when I am wrong. Someone who will allow me to feel justified when I am not, etc... I wish this, because I wish someone to help me to regain more rational perspectives when I am feeling too passionate. By being allowed the vindication I can then reevaluate and change where needed.

More on this later.

interlude

Diverting from the main topic, I find a great deal of dilemma with women this weekend. I am finding far too many offers and opportunities at hand. Despite how they may be intended all I seem to be interested in is physical. After consideration I find without the physical I would have no interest. Part of me feels like I'm running away from what could be. My brain tells me I'm keeping a safe distance from danger and that it's not the same as running. I hate boobs. They cause me much pain in my brain.

2nd thoughts

on second thoughts, I find another route to have appeal. rather than focus on a missing connection that has failed to be reliable, perhaps there is another way that is more reliable?

In the past I have tried to replace this "key stone" and failed. Though in the past it was very forced and not all that thought out.

So, the rational method would include a listing of why the key stone is key, and what other things come close to having the same traits eg: I use concrete it is hard and durable. Steel is hard and durable therefore it is a good substitute for concrete.

This will be my basis for the next quarry. What are the relevant traits of such an a fore mentioned woman, and what can I then find that has a significant similarity.

A digression

I digress to points made yesterday.

Firstly, as a side note, after reading things written, I can conclude that I am not writing whole thoughts. I write enough to assist my mind in the organization needed, and then move on to the next thought.

Secondly. I find in further meditation of the subject, I have determined that I pursue the wrong culprit. Though I am not happy with my method of association with others, this fact alone does not comprise the root of my dilemma.

Further thoughts raise a point of floating. It should be noted that I have friends and family and the connections I have with them are important. Though there remains a connection that leaves me feeling lost and unimportant.

On first analysis it seems to me that the connection that I lack, and causes me this turmoil, is that of one with a woman whom noticeably values me. This statement may confuse, so I clarify. I feel that I lack a connection to such a woman as makes me hopeful. A woman, that despite my choice to remain abstinent from sexual or romantic pursuit, allows me to feel the joy of hope.

To understand this hope I present the following:

• I decided to abstain until I changed certain behaviors, that would take too much time to list here.
  
• The point behind changing these behaviors is to allow me to attain the type of relationship I desire.
  
• These behaviors are complex and difficult to manage. There is a very real chance that I will not accomplish this goal in my lifetime.
  
• This chance of not succeeding inspires low morale, as the reward seems out of reach.
  
• Having a woman around, who values me, and inspires me to hope is significant in maintaining my determination to succeed.
  

This missing connection, or not having such a woman around, is such a corner stone of my general morale that when it lacks I lack.

This problem is difficult for me to maintain focus on, so I will conclude for today, and think on the things I have thought.

part 2

In further clarification. Definitions are those defined by me.

Purpose of life. The definition would be to be happy. To do what ever it is that makes one happy.

Therefore if one is not happy there are two easily foreseeable choices. To cease to exist, or to change what makes the individual happy.

Happy is defined as the way I associate with people I love. I am not happy.

To change this, what constitutes a purposeful change?

Studies show that changing the foundation of happy is beyond means. Therefore all that is available is to change the perspective. In changing perspective we change action. So what actions are those which require change? how do we define an action as being associated with a perspective? For empirical objects this is easy. How then do we apply this to thought? Thought perception is based on empirical perception. therefore to change thought perspective we must change empirical perception. In so changing we must then follow the new path to rebuild old thoughts and consequently develop a new thought perspective. To achieve happy one must repeat this until happy is found.

How then do we adapt to change? Surly this method is to consumptive to be used as daily doctrine. As change occurs we must reevaluate happy and in so doing must repeat the process. Another method must then be devised for more effective adaptation.

What then is this supposed method?

Welcome to ...

Well it's been a while, but I think I'll be coming back here more. I need a good place to place my thoughts and keep them from unwanted prying eyes. Also to keep them out of the hair of those whom don't want to hear them. *no one would ever be annoyed by me though ;)*

Today's thoughts are existential. I haven't really had the difficulties with being alive, that I have in the past. Though it's like dreaming. You have a dream so vivid that when you wake up it's hard to shake off. In the back of your mind it's always there waiting to remind you of thoughts hard to remember but unwilling to fade away. Though those thoughts are not being produced by your conscious mind, they provoke conscious thoughts. In the existential, some thoughts can lead to questions of being lazy over dealing with work. The ever present question of why.

It's become my replacement for more dreary thoughts. the question that begs an answer. Why. I do this, and I do that. Weather I do this or that it results in the same triviality as another. Nothing really matters, yet everything does. I could die tomorrow and there would be no significantly practical difference in the world. I could cure cancer in 5 years and though the difference would be more practical, it would still fail to serve a purpose.

The question becomes, what is purpose? Personal enjoyment is not the answer, as it is hampered by the desire for survival. Yet survival is not purposeful without personal enjoyment. What then is the answer to the question?

RAGEEEEEEEE

RAGE I need to vent the RAGE Rage Rage rage rage rage reage rage rage rage reage tage rage tagare traage rage araevge reavgfder ferafdfarrea feara reagfare rfeager ereafrer reafe reafe gear e raare ge rarage rage rager arerage reage reager rager reager rager rager reage reagre ragre reage rage rager rager freafge rage ragre trager rager frager freager rferagr reager rager tragre areage3r ra rgaetra raragre atragareeragRA ARAFAR RARAra aragara raaghge rage rager arage rage ragrea ragra ragar eraa rrage rager rager rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rabre ragre rage rage rager reage rage rargae rtaag rage ragbare rage rager reage rager rage rabe rage rabgae ragber arager ragber arage rage rager rabgr raeage rfeAGFE Ravge fage rage rage rabge arag LOTS AND LOTS LOTS LOTS LOTS OF RAGE RAGE!!!!!!! Inexpressible RAGE

Posture, appearence, perspective, health goals, etc...

Well blogger I'm coming to you and all 3 of my loyal readers (Because I refuse to expose myself like this on myspace. :P ) on the subject of my appearance- Body health/ fat. I have often sought to rid myself of what I see as a developing "spare tire" around my belly button and love handles.

Some of the questions I'm asking myself are:
Is my perspective skewed
Are my goals unrealistic/unhealthy
Is it just my posture and I really look how I want to?
Or are my abdominal muscles not properly proportionate (eg lean vs bulk has the top developed lean and bottom bulk.. etc..)

I would like an out side opinion, if you'd all be so obliging. I will present my arguments for Bodyfat Vs Posture. If you would provide imput as to your opinion I would be apreciative.


Here is my argument for body fat:

In July of 07 I took these photos:

How I was:



And how I would like to be:



Then in September I posted measurements:

My change since July:

A loss of 5 lbs and a few inches.

And what I was trying to achieve:




Now my measurements read:


No weight difference, and minimal measurement difference (half inch here and there, could be due to posture, stomach content etc... varies within 1" from day to day...)

And I look like this:

Good posture:





Vs relaxed posture:




Even though there's been no change "by the numbers" I think there is a visible difference. But i'm not sure. A part of me thinks I may just be fooling myself but with only me for reference I have no "control group" to verify with.

Well I leave it to you. thoughts, comments, opinions?

Goals

I think I've come to a bit of a plateau. I've gained a significant amount of control over myself, and therefor over my life, and now I don't know what to do with it. Here I am stagnating, because I have no drive, or passion, to do anything. I'm sure if I was sufficiently motivated I'd be far more of a whole person by now... yet... here I am.

I've seen many of my friends come and go, grow up, settle down, and start the rest of their lives. Still I remain in the same place I was when I met them 10 years ago. Though now I'm far more self supporting, and far more mentally together, I still have no direction in life.

I don't know what to do, where to go, hell I don't even know what I want to do; I suppose that'd be a good place to start. What do I want?

Growing up all I ever knew was my religion. Serve, marry, have kids, die. How, who, and what never even crossed my mind. I would just do what ever came before me. "the lord would direct me."

I never considered what I wanted. There were times that I knew I wanted to get away from the abhorrent environment I lived in, but that was as far as it went.

I have since quit my religion. I have also chosen not to procreate, or pursue a mate / life companion.

So what now? Everything I've ever worked for is but a memory.
I have no idea what to do, where to do it, or why.

It's far to early in the morning for all this. I'm prattling on and on about nothing, for? I suppose to get it out of my system so I can start my next insufferably unfulfilling work week. *sigh*

PS

Lee, wtf? why am I home again?

Learning. Sometimes I really don't want to.

Learning new things about old friends can be a hard process. Sometimes the things you learn, get you thinking. This time I'm thinking things like, "how can my friend really be like this" "Do I still want to know this person?" I don't like learning things that start me thinking those thoughts. It's never fun. I live for fun and that is not fun. I feel like I'm back at home, or living with trevor again. Words come out of my mouth, but they don't want to listen. I feel backed in to a corner where reason and diplomacy don't work. A corner where your options are take the hits or run. I hate feeling like I have to run from my own home. It's inflamed when I pay to live in my home. This time I'm putting my neck on the line, way out on the line. I couldn't afford to stay here any more, but they asked so I've been trying. Yet here I am. My car is up for sale. My income is all but gone. Do they listen any more now then they did before? No. I can't remember why I decided to help. I'm not doing this again. Next time someone needs help they can go to someone else. From here on out it's about keeping my head above water.

Rough time.

Last time I wrote things were falling in to place. The good news is... That on an emotional and mental level my problems have never been so simple.

The bad news is.... My anxiety is worse then ever, in a way. For the first time in my life I'm learning how hard keeping a job can be. I've been having a rough time finding a job I can do, that pays enough money, and doesn't do bad things to me.

More good news is... I've settled on a nice quiet job as a waiter at an Italian restaurant. It'll take some time to learn how to do the job, before I can make much money at it. Mostly I need to learn the food, and that's as hard as it gets. I repeat, the hardest part involves FOOD!!! *drools* Did I mention learning involves eating the food? Muhahahahhahahaha!

I've also found a place to live. It's close to "the big places of doing things" and right at the "half way" point between all my friends. I won't have to go too far for any of them. It's also got awesome rent and it's right next to the Light Rail.

*So it's a little falling apart and dirty, but meh.*

I've found a nice girl to cuddle with too. She is nice. If I keep this up, I think I can handle many more years without sex. That would be nice.

Maybe I'll eventually get back to regular updates. I do check my myspace and email every day if you want to contact me there. Talk to you all again soon, I hope ;)

Life back at home.

I've been home for 2 weeks. In almost every aspect of my life things are falling in to place.

With girls, I'm not 'fixed' but I'm doing much better. I've already had a few endeavors that have shown me the progress I've made. Though I've still got a way to go.

Although, when it comes to the Job hunt, and the "what happened that I came home" questions I'm having a lot of trouble. I'm not ready to explain the "why I came home question". I'm also afraid of telling people, because I'm afraid they won't 'get it'. I think it means more to me then it does to other people. I tried to explain it once or twice, but I just don't think people want to hear it. Or I could be crazy. All I know is that it hurts, and I don't know how to show people I'm hurting. I just try to "act normal" and hope it all blows over and works it's self out.

Ok that's all I can get out right now, I'll try to write again later.

Update

I haven't been blogging here much. Take a look at my myspace for more frequent updates.

Corrections and news.

In response to the comments on my last post, a few corrections are in order.

I agree, it is my reaction and not the environment its-self. I usually write from my perspective, and tend to word things "from my point of view" when I really should present myself more clearly. On that note, to more clearly represent my view, I will reword my view on the mental health issue. I believe that the best thing for me is to return to an environment that I react to in a more healthy manner. As a result, after much thought, it is my view that when they hear my story they too will come to that conclusion. Although I would very much prefer the benefits of staying, the cost of staying is, in my mind, to great a price to pay. Although if that is not the conclusion they come to, I have prepared myself to use any other method they present me with to it's fullest potential. I made an appointment yesterday, and I'm scheduled for an appointment on Tuesday at 10A EST/ 8A MST.

Dover. It's not as pretty as everyone said. Actually I'm already rather bored with the scenery. It's like Utah; without the mountains. I haven't seen the beach yet, but if I can I'd like to see the sunrise there tomorrow. I think that will set Dover apart form Utah for me. Mountains vs Ocean view. If I'm still here next week, and still allowed off base, I'll be renting a car and driving up to Manhattan. I plan to see the Statue, and hopefully see Rick and my Brother while I'm in town. Although; if neither is available this next weekend, I may go to DC instead and see our nations capital. Either would be a good experience and very beneficial to my morale. Class doesn't start until Wednesday, so I don't know how that will be yet. The school house is now in an actual building and not the side rooms of a hanger.

I have now seen several C-5's. Not up close, yet, but close enough. They are HUGE, but not as big as I thought. They are slightly bigger then the Air Bus. Around 3X the size of an average commercial plane ( the approximate size of a 737). It is best described as adding a massive cargo bay below a bowing 747 passenger deck. I don't have exact numbers, but I would guess that it can hold 100-200 passengers, in addition to 10-20 vehicles and other cargo.

When a C-5 takes off, all sound for 1-2 miles is dround out. When it lands and turns on the reverse thrusters you can hardly hear yourself talk, if your out side. Big plane, big engines. I have to tell you, it sure is something else to see a C-5 dissapear in to the fog hanging over the base this morning. It's been cool.

Well lots to get caught up on this weekend, ttl.

Fred

The plan... more coherently this time...

The Facts:

-The military holds a bright future for me.

-I also could have a bright future with out it.


*If I remain emotionally unstable, then the benefits of staying here are out weighed by the consequences.

*The emotional instability is a direct cause of the environment I'm in.

The choices:

-Take my chances and "push through the pain" hoping I never actually go through with anything stupid.

-Make my situation known and likely be sent home to become what I will under "my own steam"

What I want may be influenced by the hardship over my heart right now. You know, it's the wounded animal theory. While in duress fight or flight is acted on; then, when it's safe, focus shifts to desires etc... That said; I currently think, and feel, that I have benefited all that I will from this and pushing further is more likely to do harm to me, the people around me, and the people I love.

I leave for Dover in 2hours. And I'll be checking in to mental health at the first convenience.

Oh ya, btw: I passed my last test with a 94 giving me the highest average in the class with 93%
(94,94&92 do average to 93 don't they?)

Well I'm going to finish up here and head back to play one last game of pool at the Squadron. I don't know what Internet availability is going to be like, so hopefully I'll talk to you all again soon.

(P.s. I finally found a cloth tape mesure. Next time I'm on I'll likely have accurate updated measurements... now if I can just convince myself to go to the gym and get on a scale....)

Love

Fred

Alcohol, Dissapointment, and the Human condition

First, Alcohol. When consumed makes induces everything from euphoria to severe depression. For me, in moderation, euphoria is more common. In the end you sober up and the real world comes hurtling back as painful, or not, as it may be. I have noticed this same sequence in regards to talking to my friends from home. I feel good for a while, and then I sober up.

Now for Disappointment and the human condition.

I've had a lot to think about lately. About my life, and where I'm heading and where I want to be etc... I've spent allot of my time here severely depressed. So much so that I've reached new, scary, lows when I get suicidal. In the past being suicidal never scared me as much as it added to my depression. Now, once I manage to pull myself away from it, I'm left in horror of what I was ACTUALLY considering. Some of the things I've... Well suffice to say I'm not feeling well.

I've found that being here is taking it's toll on me. I could, in theory, take the chance and continue on. I could also talk to the mental health folks and more likely then not watch that path lead to my inevatable discharge.

I know which path I want, and think I should take. The trouble lies in this: I don't want to dissapoint the people who love me. I know many of them want me to do this and become successfull. My idea of success is... well I have a very different idea of what success is. I know what's best for me, and I know what could yeild the most "worldly" version of success. I'm going to see mental health once I get to dover this week. I'll give every chance; but in the end if things don't get better I'll be comming home.

Got to go before the computer kicks me off...

Smack shake and move

So I had a very helpfull talk with a friend last night. You might say I was talking against orders; then again you might also say I was hiding from mom and dad and breaking the rules. I was supposed to be on lock down; aka no phones.

I'm glad I didn't wait though. I have a test tomorrow. Wether or not I will pass that test is yet to be seen. My study guide just became the intamite lover attached at my hip... or rather hand in this case.

I lost sight of why I was here. I was scared. Not just ambiguously scared of the unknown; but deathly scared of... to many things to explain in my limited time frame on this pc. Talking to my friend was like a cold splash of water to wake you up from a nightmare.

I've rememberd why I'm here, although the "nightmare" still lingers a bit in the background; the way all nightmares do. You know that feeling after you wake from a nightmare? everything is all better but it still leaves you a bit shaken. That's where I am right now. Tommorow I'll be passing my block test and shiping out to Dover on wendsday.

"I found my happy thought!"

I suppose that's the best way to rap it up, with a nice little bow on top. Watch the movie "Hook" if you don't get my meaning.

I've decided to talk to mental health either way. I HATE pills. I am also AWFULLY against taking them unless vitally necessary. I'm not talking about asprine here..... I'm talking about anti-anxiety medication. I don't think it's anti-depressants I need, I think it's anti-anxiety pills. Atleast I think I need them for a while, as a "crutch" so I can finaly heal from a "broken bone" that got growing up.

There's being optimistic, and then there's being realistic. I want to pass my block test tomorrow; but I also want to fly like superman. Wanting it, or believing I can won't make it happen. Wanting to pass my block test, and wanting to heal from my anxiety with out help/pills are both well and good. I can believe I will do it untill I'm blue in the face. The truth, the reality is that I might not pass the test tomorrow. The reality is that I might never heal from my anxiety with out help. Want it or not, I'll let the therapist see my anxiety problem, and I'll let them issue me the drugs to get better. The reality is that I've got to get moving; and back to my studies.

Love you all, and I'll find some time to call after my test, and all the out processing paper work; rick.

Thank you all for the support. It means alot.

Psycology and the ass you pull your head from.

I talked to my MTL last night. Very nice man. Kind understanding, and said no.

Had an emotional break down after school today. I was visited by another MTL and 2 Airmen leaders. "invited" to go see a chaplin for some emotional counciling.

Spent almost 2 hours talking to said chaplin. Had to promise not to hurt myself and that I would get up and go to school tomorrow. Yay, promises to compleet strangers that mean nothing to me is soooo helpful. So she advised me to pass my block test (do my best) and ship out on tuesday. Apon arival at my next base that I should see mental health; who she expects will issue me an anti-depressant. If the anti-depressant doesn't work they would possibly do a mental eval to determine my capasaty to perform my duties. She did reasure me that they would rather discharge me then me "do something stupid". However that they would very understandably want to do everything they could to protect their investment, and try to retain me if at all posible. Yay! I'm an investment! Well I did agree to that one afterall...

So I'll be here a while longer. I despratly want to talk to legal and say "ok i understand you all want to try this and that, but I'm telling you it's not a chemical imballance just understand that there were unforseeable difficulties and let me go!" However, I will just have to be paitent and wait.

Got to find something to eat tonight; missed out on the dining facility.

Fred

My 200th post. A first.

This marks the first time a blog of mine has reached far and above 100 posts. Land mark!

I passed my test Monday. My score now puts me at the top of my class. Yay! Yet all for not. I will be seeing my MTL tonight about early level separation. Turns out I'm not going to wait till Dover. Student loans here I come! (more on that when the inconsiderate dum ass on the pc next to me isn't puting his ass in my face.)

Talk later!...


Ok i'm back... I hate people...some days.

So I'm excited to get home. In-fact finding out about early level separation has brought me out of my rut. Admitedly it's the only thing keeping me positive right now, but it sure does help alot!

I'm pretty sure the comment on my last post is the anonymous AMY; from the way she types; but I could.. *HA* be rong. :P

Well I won't make promises until after I talk to the big Boss.

Time to finish my onliningness and get back to the dorm..

Life here.

An emotional history of the last month and a half here at tech school.

4 weeks of keeping myself busy enough to not have time to think; and 4 weekends alone in my dorm very depressed.

1 week and one weekend fairly content; but I wouldn't say happy.

And now back to depressed.

I'm seeing a pattern here. maybe. (if you can't read the sarcasm, it's there.)

One week, and two days, until I move to Dover. Assuming, of-course, that I pass both of the big tests between now, and that Tuesday. Once I'm in Dover, if this keeps up, then I'll be going; once again; to see a councilor. Well this time it will be a shrink, and not a chaplin. At that time there is a large probability that I could get sent home, wether I like it or not.

One week. It seems far longer then it is......

My first night out.

For the first time since November, I went out. I picked a few random people, well not so random (I picked the only people whom I could remember their names) and invited them all out to go bowling.

2 girls and some a** that I would normally not consider talking to. As luck would have it, the closer alley was closed. You know, the one that has balls that don't hold on to my thumb. Ya the one where my average game is above 80. no no no instead we went to the main alley. I got my ass handed to me, again, and again and again.

We went back to the squadren, when the alley closed, and played pool untill 1140. We got rotating games of cut throat going. Mostly this made me realise that playing with some of those guys is only fun when there is an attracive female around to make them crazy. It makes their game suck. Which in turn allows me to look like I can actually play pool. :D

Good times, and a headake to finish the night. Well better get back; I've been putting off my home work all weekend. Oh ya, I forgot; We got today off because of presidents day. yay for benifits!

Learning to love, a whole new way.

When I was growing up, I never thought about the big "why are we alive?" question. I knew that there was a god, and I was here to get back to him.
All my life there had only been two things I'd wanted to do.

1) Please the lord and god I believed in

2) Find a woman to love, who loved me, and spend the rest of my life with her.

As life went on, I started to think for myself. I started to learn and grow.
As my corse would have it, I eventually found myself doubting what I believed.
A long story short I stoped believing in everything. I started to simply exist. What next? I didn't know. This train led me to a tall cliff, that I finaly pulled away from. That cliff was my way out. the only thing else I knew to do was to die. When I returned from there, I found that cliff loomed over everything I did. Only now, it wasn't an option. I simply could not, not would not, but could not do it.

Life went on and there were other cliffs, 38.'s, 40.'s, alcohol, etc... and the list goes on. I finally decided to do something with my life. Here I am. Yet... that cliff still walks with me.
Looming in the back ground; for how long now, I don't know; has been a hope I didn't see. It's seed was planted in my vanity years ago. That vanity grew and changed along side my maturity.

Looking in the mirror I see someone I love, and don't want to loose. I've felt that ,behind all the pain, for so long that it took coming here to realise it. I looked in the mirror today, and realised that I love the person staring back. There are few people in this world I've ever loved with that kind of passion. The realisation that i'm one of them, makes me happy in a way I don't know how to explain.

I was having a hard time; but I think I'm going to be ok.

I feel ok. Peacefull.

Of those two life goals I had, the second one has never left my heart. Maybe one day my dream will come true. That would be nice.

In the mean time; I've got a lot of work to do.

Love,

Fred.

The wonderfull world of school

I thought I'd be on more often then this. However I'm starting to think I won't have a regular web presence until I get to my Perminant duty station and get my computer back.

Just spent some time looking through photos on my space.... some of which I could swear were promised to never be put on the web... *scowls* Steve licking wipping cream off my stomach; not something that needs to be on a 24" screen; in a public library; on base. Watch how fast I can click the next button....

I know I've got lotssssssssss to talk about, but I can't think of what is important enough to put down in my limited time frame. I'm enjoying the scenery at each base more then anything else. I'm trying to convince myself to do 12hrs of study this weekend... we'll see. The cute rabbits on base make me wish I could have my camera around more often. yada yada yada I could keep this up all day.

School is as I thought; harder then BMT. The first of 3 tests is next week and the first one is the hardest of them; based on the amount of information it covers. The next 2 will be much more enjoyable for me. The second one is on engines. I've been dying to learn about the mini tornado producing engines, and how they work. :D just vvvvvvrrrroooomm!!!!

I miss home. I had a bit of an episode in my room the other night. I seriously contimplated going down to the leagal office and considering my options on how to get out of my enlistment w/o going to jail. It took most of the next day for me to calm down; inside; and I still desprately want to see the people I love. It helps to remind myself that I'm here because of how "much" was going on in my life. That if I hadn't been so compleetly depressed that I would never have left at all. It doesn't make it hurt less; but it does help me not complain about it, and that's good.

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about at least one of the "women" that has been in my life. Mostly Halee. Being my most recent fuck up, it makes sence that she'd be on my mind more then the others. I'm contimplating sending her flowers for vday. She's only talked to me once since I left; so I'm not sure where we stand, or if flowers would be apropriate.... Enough of that now. I've got a whole day ahead of me and no time for people who don't talk to me; eh?

Time to get studding...

Fred

Nights

It started back in BMT. I think it only happend once or twice while there; and now is a weekly, if not daily, event.

I still remember some of them, but most fade in to never never land; that place between dreams and awake. They are unique. I am more relaxed and feel more at home then I have in a very long time. Waking up from one of them is a shock to my system. Waking up from these dreams is like feeling free, and then remembering you're in a full body cast. Being awake is so restrictive and tense.

It's very reminisint of waking up in a park. You feel so safe and warm; and then you wake, and realise there's snow on the ground, your freezing, and who is that lurking in the shadow over there... ya reminds me of that.

*Sigh* I was going to stay asleep today. I was having such good dreams. Sadly I have mandatory "fun" today. I have to go or I get written up. I suppose I have to studdy today; I'd have had to wake up eventually....


I'll keep my dreams of home on my mind and see if they return tonight. :D

Love

Fred

Up date 1-30-2007

Well I'm dover for sure. I graduate Sheppard on March 4th, and will be off to Delaware for my follow on training. After I'm done training I will (with luck) be heading home to SLC for 12 days. Then it's 6 years in Dover.

I know it's a short update. I've been outside all day and my brain is just as frozen as my hands so I'll have to write more when I'm coherent. :)

ALL KEY FOLKS!!!!

For the sake of the phonetically challanged; that's 'ok folks' in Southern. Yes it is their own language.

I don't know when it's going to kick me off. It's told me 3 times I had 10 min left and then allowed me to extend it for 10 min so....

I don't know about tonight but I will start posting here again. My MYSPACE has some updates, However i will be primarially updating here as soon as some more of the 'dust settles'. I've still got at least one more move so I can't get too comfortable; yet. :)

Times runing out so I don't think I'm getting another 10 min extention.

TTL love you all

Fred

Welcome Myspace readers!

Welcome to all you Myspace readers out there! Feel free to look around and get a good look at the place. I'm online at this site more then anywhere else in cyberspace. I don't know what Tech school will be like, but I'll try to keep regular updates on this blog once I'm out of B.M.T.

Looks like I'll have access to the net right up until lights out at the hotel tonight.


Love you all

3 Days remaining.

The second date pulled through. We went to the Zoo, and had a good time. I might see her again Sunday, but we'll see.

I'm getting pretty nervous. I know it's because I'm "doing something new" but it doesn't make it any less nerve recking. I'll wash and pack the last of my clothes and other things today. I'll move them over to Marc's house either Sat or Sun.

Counting down the days,

Fred

One weekish left

Well the second date looks like it's not going to happen, meh. It was good to get out.

The fair well last night was pretty good. Other then my family, it was mostly the same friends that showed up to my other fair well. Go figure.. :)

But then we went over to a friends house and played games and such for a while and that was nice.

Well I'm not at work any more, so I'm gona try to be off-line as much as I can,

Love you all,

Post date news/ Last day at work.

My date last night, was one of the best I've been on in years. There was a part at the end that I'm embarassed about, but I don't think she looked down on me for it. :)

In fact she knows one of the case workers in my building. I talked to him today and he seems to think she won't make anything of it. :) Good times. Best date I've been on in years. Shortest (only one hour) date in years, but best date in years. :D

Lots o' crap about work. Long story short, I may not be leaving CBI under good terms. *Meh* Not a company I'm comming back to so no big deal if it goes badly.

One more week! I'm nervous and excited, check back next hour I'm sure that'll change.

Date? No really. I have a whole box.

My toe is doing great. In fact, it's almost healed. The doc said by Friday I would be able to take the bandage off.

In far more interesting news...

I have a date. She's from Lousiana, is Buhddist and very cute. She seems to like sushi almost as much as I do; as well as other foods; likes anime, the list goes on. She vaguley reminds me of the average girl at an anime convention.

She knows about the Air force, and is fine with it. We'll be going to the Koyo on thursday.

It should be nice to do a bit of casual dating. I think it'll be good for me. :)

So I payed this guy $300 to slice in to my toe...

The other day I was thinking to myself, "When I sell my gun, I'm gonna have $600 just lying around." "What ever am I going to do with $600?", I asked.

Well I started thinking about what I should do with the money. I thought, "I could save it, and accrue interest; or I could add $200 from my checking account and pay off my car insurance; or I could make a few payments on my car. I could even leave it in checking and put my phone on an automatic payment schedule while I'm in basic training."

After many more thoughts it came to me. I knew what I had to do.
I needed someone to put a big ugly gash in my foot.
So last night I found this guy to do the work for me.

You see, I haven't had a limp for more then a month now. Me not having a limp means something is wrong with the cosmos. I mean if I don't have a sprained ankle or a torn ligament or something that makes me hobble around like a gimped po' boy, then the world just can't be right. So I figured what a better reason to limp around then a big gash in one of my toes.

However, I had to make sure it was a sterile cut. A gash is fine, but an infection? That just wouldn't be the right kind of limp. It had to be something that was "healing" not something that was Festering.

SO after hours of searching the web, I found a guy. His assistant told me he won't normally work so late in the day, but that if I could get there right after I got off work that He'd stay a bit later and do the work.

So now I have this nice big gash. It's on the big toe of my left foot. More precisely it runs from the front of my toe all the way up and to the back of the toe nail. It's on the left side of the toe too. In fact it cut through 1/4" of my toe nail.

This morning it looks like it might be infected. That could also just be puss from the cauterization. Oh, sorry, forgot to mention that part. See mom always told me not to cut my toenails too short or I could get an ingrown toenail and it would cause infection. SO, as he'd cut it all the way back to the base of the nail, we decided it would be best if we prevented it from growing back and causing an infection. The cauterization also helped with the bleeding; I didn't want to get blood all over my shoes.

All said and done, it put me out a little less then $300. Now what to do with the other $300?.... ;)



So I don't know what actually caused the ingrown toenail.
The three causes I know of are cuting nails too short, fungal infection, or improper foot wear. I'm guessing improper foot wear myself, as I keep my feet clean and the toenails slightly long; for just this reason. However my foot wear is frequently... lacking.

I go in for a follow up on Monday to make sure it's healing properly. I'll have to remember to ask the Doc if He knows what the cause was.

The big joke? If it isn't healed by the time I ship out, I don't ship out. They don't start paying me until the day I ship out. Why, you ask, is that so funny? I'll tell you why. Because I've already put my 2 weeks notice in to my current employer. If I don't work, I don't get paid, If I don't get paid, I can't make the payment on my car loan. If that happens then I know someone who isn't eating... So Fingers crossed and Hoping for good news on Monday.

:)

I haven't posted in a while so...

After a whole week of Mon, wen, fri arobic workout with Angel, Aka Marc, and a successive week of Sparing with the same, we missed 2 of our 3 last week. I managed to get a minor rutine with the dog on fri, but not as much as my regimnt calls for...

In other news... two fridays ago, our last sparing match, I took a fist to the side of the mouth. The side with my last remaining baby tooth. For those who don't know, my top canines didn't come out properly. The new canines came in before either baby tooth would come out. They both stubbernly hung on for years after. The resultant look of "fangs" behind my front teeth insued.
A few years ago the one on the right came out.

However the one on the left, my left , has hung in there until that day two weeks ago. The following week on the night of all Hallows eve I was on my way to Angles house for much gaming and trick or treators, and discovered I was at risk of bleeding over my new $60 shirt...

Speeding more then I usually do, I arrived at his house in just enough time. A few moments in the bathroom brought much stringy blood, and a bit of bone, out of my mouth. I now have a wisssstle, any time I try to ssssay SSSSSSth.

The canine on the right, has had time to shift, mostly, in to it's proper place. In turn it has mostly filled what would otherwise be a gap. The left, however, is so far ingrown that it sit's behind my left incisor. The void where it should be makes for a great wistle, unless I'm trying to wistle. In wich case my loud wistle seems to be broken. *sigh*

Braces o braces, where for art though Braces?

6 long years art though...

Although braces are a long way off, proper regular dental care is mear months away. Although I will be unable to get braces until later, I can get regular cleanings and other such things until then. :) happy day.



In yet other news,

My depression has greatly deminished over the last several months. I have the occasional morning where I am prone to a far more empty bed then I'm comfortable with. However, over all I've been happier.

Every now and then, I have a would-be anxiety attack about my emminent life in the Air Force.

During wich I smack my head in to a wall exclaiming:
"what the hell was I thinking"
The moment passes and after a few hours the stress unwinds.

I've got a lot looking up, and it's at a high price. Hope holds me together.

I am giving up women to get this. However, I am also breaking free from depression; to wich I have allowed myself to be a captive of for far too long. I am also giving up a great freedom for a space of time. I will be trading certian freedoms, and that which is most precious to me, for a space of time; in exchange for the help I've longed so much for. The help to get a better life. My hope is to have that which is most precious in my life, and not drive it away with my own foolishness. Much help will I be afforded, and it will be to me to make the most of it.

It is a great cost; but far less then the cost of remaining a captive of myself.

So worth it...

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

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Fair Well Party(s)

You are cordially invited to....


There are 2 partys.

~Family & Friends Fair Well
When: November 17th at 5pm
Where: TBA

Please RSVP for this event. My sister is arranging the event and needs to know how many to expect. She will also be creating invitations with the address etc...

~Close Friends Fair Well

This is an invitation only event.
This event is for me and my closest friends to have some time together.

When: November 10th

Time: ? Presumably starting around Noon and going until I damn well feel like it. If needed we can relocate before the park closes at 11pm.

Where: Liberty park.

What:
-Food. I'll be cooking up Burgers. If you'd like chips or more then water to drink then b.y.o.
-Games? ..( he he maybe Swords.... :P) etc...

I will post this event on Myspace as soon as I have time. Please keep in mind this event is by my invitation only. Your "partner(s)" or "companion(s)" are also welcome.

Air Force = Update

As of today I am now enlisted in delayed enlistment. The difference between Enlisted and Delayed Enlistment is that with Delayed I have a ship out date other then today.

My ship out date is November 27th.

I am contracted for 6 years, to add a bit of perspective on that I'll be 29 when my contract goes up. My family is preparing a fair well party (in a church, very family esk) and my friends are welcome to come. I will post here when I know the details.

Also, I have been informed, and would agree, that a more friends friendly party would be in order. No promises but I'll try. Again I'll post details here.

I'll miss everyone, and I love many of you,

Thank you for your support over the years.

If I don't get to say it in person, then I'll say it here,

Good bye. :D keep in touch.

Is this a paper bag moment?

I think I'm having a mild anxiety attack.

My head's all fuzzy and I feel like I can't get enough oxygen.

I'm also groggy and it's not helping.

As a reslut I keep wanting to call a friend of mine. I'm a bit conflicted, because I want two seprate things from her, and I shouldn't go to her for either one. A) Emotional comfort and human interaction. & B) sex. So I'm just gona try and think of the blue skys wispy clouds and nice wind outside. :) Hopefully that'll calm me down a bit... It doesn't help that there's a total fox working at the reception desk today....

Body comfort?

Today's post, and Links in today's post have a XXX rating.

Well those who know me well, know that I have few problems with my body. However, after watching this I was left feeling more uncomfortable with my body then I have in a long time. I don't think of myself as anything special. However, I also don't usually listen to women like those. Even the man running the whole thing was shaken by then end of it.

It's understandable. Everyone is genetically programed to want to reproduce with the most fertile and powerful mate possible. It's not just a "modern" issue. The difference is that in modern times it's becoming less of a Taboo to vocalize wanting a fertile mate. Big breasts; silky, smooth skin; shiny hair; etc.. and on the flip side large muscles, big penis, healthy skin and hair, etc... are all visual signs of a potentially fertile mate. For some a strong intellect also shows ability to provide and survive; and adds to the appeal.

In today's society we frequently decide that "natural" is not always acceptable. We always have to be idealistically perfect or idealistically magnanimous. Envy could be said to be a driving force of both social sides. On one side you have those who are envious and don't like being miserable about it, and on the other side you've got people who will do what it takes to satiate that envy. I've got only a handful of times in my life when I understood envy. I've envied people with happy loving relationships; and I've at times envied people for having warm clothes or food.

However, when it comes to my body it's hard for me to envy others. I like what I've got. I may want to make it better, always the ever constant drive for perfection. I'll admit, I can think of way's I would trade for a different body, but those ways are few and menial. Although, despite this I still find that in my most insecure and self conscious moments I still fall in to that group who is unsatisfied with their "size"; and not because I know there is something bigger or better out there.

It's because I'm genetically driven to want to be more fertile. Big fat period. Drop all the who ha, that's the big reason. I will admit to having other reasons, self insecurities etc... well I lost my train of thought, busy day at work...

Enviroment day

Margot informed me that today is Environment day. Read that link for more info.

This is my Environment day post; prompted, in part, by my weekend.

Often I hear the environment described as Wildlife, plants etc.. However, it's a rare thing to hear someone to include the human race as part of the environment. Often we are oblivious to the distinction between Our environment and The environment. We are part of an environment. The way we act, our social interactions, our choices all effect our environment. One of the largest problems in our human interaction is compromise, or the lack there of. In the human situation we each have things we need, and want. Generally speaking, our needs are very diverse and our wants are even more so. In a community we agree to help each other for mutual benefit.

The rub comes when what "I" need/want conflicts with what "You" need/want; which starts the human conflict. As these conflicts arise there are two generic options: Compromise, and survival of the fittest (SOF). In what we call civilised society we often promote compromise and attempt to use compromise over all else. That is what we say separates us from other animals. In most other life SOF is the first and only law.

However, even in our civilised society there are those who choose SOF over compromise. These people are sometimes considered the "few". The truth is we are all instinctively trained to follow SOF. Compromise is "unnatural", or "against our nature". The number of individuals, in a given community, that choose SOF over compromise determines the civility of that community, otherwise known as the amount/lack of conflict in that community.

When an SOF member of a community collides with a compromise member of a community the majority of the community sides with the member whom is part of the majority. In our society we call this the making of laws and rules. By these laws and rules we also dictate the "majority rules" to any minority, even when the conflict is exclusively held between two minority members.

At the current size of the human populace our communal decisions have rippling effects world wide, and not just socially. When we decide that Coal is a better fuel source then hydro power or wind power the outcome has a drastic effect on the world around us, aka our environment.

The same holds true to conflict within our community. Civil unrest can lead to war, etc... In addition when two conflicting communities violently collide we call it war. What type of war etc.. is dependant on the situation. The victor of the war often imposes the laws of their community on the loosing community.
Some of these laws are in place to protect the environment. Other laws protect the environment but are designed for other reasons.

Protection of the environment can be constituted by many things including protection from war, corrosion, and protection of nature.

The more and more diverse a community becomes, the more and more frequent there are individuals whom for various reasons, do not conform to the laws. These people are considered criminals.

As criminal activity increases so does harm to the environment. At times harm to one aspect of the environment may perpetuate harm to another aspect of an environment. Eg: harm to the political portion of the social environment that results in nuclear war will cause harm to the nature portion of the environment.
In addition harm to a smaller community can cause harm to a political environment, eventually resulting in the previously mentioned war.

In short all aspects of environment are perpetually tied together. As a community we must keep our minds on the greater scheme of things while we handle individual issues. Too often we get so wrapped up in a given issue that the larger environment is forgotten. At this juncture damage from neglect of other issues occurs. If our goal is to build a strong and happy community, then we must work to solve issues. However we must also work to solve the self, and how that self interacts with the community.

The final question, is what do we do with a contender whom doesn't share the goal of the greater community? What to do, what do do?

There are many answers. The only thing we can be sure of are the lessons learned from history. Trail and error. Lessons such as: "Violence only begets violence", and so on...

To you all I say, Good Luck.

Life, a current update.

Hold Nothing, If you meet the Buddha, Kill the Buddha, If you meet your Father, Kill your Father. Free of all, Bound by nothing. You live your life simply as it is~

HOLD NOTHING:

I have become far better at letting go of the physical things in my life. So much, that I'm considering simply getting rid of many of the things I have in storage. I moved all of my things (that aren't going in to storage) on Monday. One car load minus my bike. That was all. Every thing I need to get by. Clothes, Food, Paperwork, toiletrees, and a few trinkets for daily life (callendar etc..). All the things in storage now seem so so so.. so useless. pointless, and wastefull. All of a week that I've lived with out them and I don't miss them one bit.

I am finding it far more difficult to let go of my emotional 'things'. Although I have felt lighter and happier in the last week or two.


LIVE YOUR LIFE SIMPLY AS IT IS:

This part is hard. Most of my life I've always habbitually tried to be something I'm not. A hard learned trait from dear ol' dad. Even today, I have to know the answers to everything, or be compleetly apathetic. Even when I don't really know the answer I find myself BSing an answer. I'm full of assumptions and guess work. Although living with Cheri and Chris is helping with that. Already I've noticed that the drama in my life is disapating. A little longer and I'm sure I'll learn to live without it in my life at all.

I'm not succeding in my goals. Looking back on the path I've trod, there are many grey spots and holes. I keep getting back up and moving on. One day I'll get there.

~Life

You might be a West Vallian if...

If your neighbor's truck lights could wake the dead.

If you wonder when the city is going to clean up the road graffiti; "those white and yellow lines are an eye sore"

If your neighbor uses a giant american flag as a car cover.

If you consider a 3' lift kit to be "small".

If your windshield has ever been broken, by the bass in the car next to you.

If you consider a turn signal to be an accessorie.

If you have ever considered suing or been sued over a petty land dispute.

If you'r neighbors idea of a good time is finding a reason to call the police.

To be continued....

In 6 years...

In six years I'll have a good job and food on my table.
In six years I'll have a warm roof over my head.
In six years I won't have to hold all my emotions in.
In six years I can live and not be afraid that someone will see.
In six years I'll have that much more reason to spend extencive time in therapy.

In six years I'll speak 4-7 different languages.
In six years I can go any where in the world.
In six years I'll live where I'd most like to live.
In six years I'll still be alone.

In 10 years, if I get my dream I'll have a family of my own.

Re: Air Force

I'm not enlisted yet. That's what I mean by "I'm holding out" until the job is open. I have refused, and will continue to refuse to sign up untill the job I'm there for is availible. I'm searching for some kind of gaurentee or anything of the sort that will make sure I get the job I'm trying to get, but that's the last thing my recuiter wants me to know about so it's kinda hard...

Any way, I'm not taking this lightly. I know what 6 years means. I also know that another 6 years of not being in school and going nowhere will just put me right here in 6 years. I've got to do something so... Well I've been over all this in other blogs so I'll stop there.

Good Thursday everyone!

Air Force

My recuiter called yesterday. He told me that so long as everything goes well, I'll be shiping out on November 27th. However, he has already tried to get me to take "any old mechanics job" twice before so I could ship out faster. As a result I'm cautious of this. I told him I wasn't shipping out untill the job was open. I won't know if it really is or not untill I get to the MEPS on October 20th. On the 20th I'll find out how much of this most recent load of crap is true, and how much is well... crap. I'll make sure to keep you all posted as soon as I know.

Jobs, Moving, updates etc...

Having made a serious effort, I have managed to reduce my addiction to posting blogs. This also means I haven't updated you all on the current major life changes of late. So....

The Air Force is at a stand still. I've passed all the tests and met all the qualifications. Now I'm playing the waiting game. I wait untill I hear word of when the job opens, and what to do once it is.

I'm also trying to get a Protective Services postition with the Sheriffs office. What that means in english is that I'll be doing security for Salt Lake county.
Two weeks ago I passed the NPOST (The National Police Officer Selection Test). This test assesses your Math, Grammer & Spelling, word comprehention, and report writing skills. You must get 70% in all 4 areas and an overall 70% to pass. I expected I would fail the Math section again (I took the test a few years ago). I was almost right. I got 70%.
Moving on....
This last weekend I passed the physical assesment. 18 pushups, 26 situps in under 1min., and a 1 1/2 mile run in under 15:54. I scraped by a passing run time of 15:37. I've never ever done so poorly on a run. 1 min in to the run the rain turned to snow and my lungs seized up. At least I know that in the worst shape of my life, on a bad day, I can still pass the PT test.
Today I go in for the interview. In two weeks I get a letter in the mail telling me if I passed and what next, or if I fail.
If I pass, the academy doesn't start till January.

If I qualify then I have to make a choice. I can go to the academy and give up on the Air Force, for now. Or I can hold out and wait for the Air Force to pan out... I don't want to do either one, so I really don't know what I want to do. For now I'll wait and see if I even pass the 3 person pannel at the interview today.


In the mean time, I'm moving. Our lease is up at the end of October. Zeb and Cori are already moving in to their new place, and will likely be moved in by the 12th. I will be moving in with Cheri and Chris on the 12th. At which point I will turn off our utilitys and turn in my keys, thusly ending my 2 years and 8months of living with Zeb. It makes me sad to say that. I used to love living with him. However, since He left Lesli... he changed a lot. Enough that I don't think I know him anymore. *sigh* Well people change and life goes on...

Well I'm moving in with people I've never been close to, but have always been some of my best friends. I have options open to me and a lot of big decisions to make, including some I havent elaborated on here. Well this is my life and here I go....